Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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