Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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