I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
