Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
