god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
