I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
