ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
