then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
