After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
