he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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