the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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