I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
