fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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