What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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