I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
