I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
