i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
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