I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
