Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
