eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
What a dumb baby whore.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
