Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
why is half of my head shaved?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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