And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
