i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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