my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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