I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
