whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
