my phone needs a breathalizer
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
