2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
