I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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