so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
