there's paper in my vomit.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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