i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just puked most of my soul out..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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