I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
