I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Randomize
