Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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