Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
