He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
