why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My liver just had a heart attack.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
