I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
