at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
