You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
