Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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