also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
