Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He did a backflip because drugs
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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