everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
