So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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