my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
