I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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