You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
