Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
